So anyway, I'm sitting in the theater watching the movie unspool, and it's all grim and ponderous and frankly rather dull, like the TV show, and there are some quease-inducing special effects, which is making the Taco Bell I had right before the movie seem like not such a good idea, and I'm thinking, "Gee! This movie sure is taking its sweet time getting to David Duchovny's ass!" And there's aliens that look like the aliens from Communion and Aliens mated and had babies, and there's something where corn is somehow made to seem creepy (though I could only think of Children of the Corn), and there's all these guys who just show up and then go away, like I'm sure I'd know who they are if I watch the TV show, but I don't, so I didn't, like nice way to alienate a huge segment of your potential audience, filmmakers. And speaking of which, when are you going to get around to David Duchovny's ass?
And then there's this big climactic scene in Antarctica which is actually pretty cool if not really coherent or logical, and then suddenly it's the end of the movie, and I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN DAVID DUCHOVNY'S ASS!!!!! And now I want my $4.50 back, and I'm going to find out which magazine told me I would see David Duchovny's ass, and I'm going to write the editors a very pissy letter and demand a snapshot of David Duchovny's ass if they have one. Because dammit, they owe it to me.
Hey, if you like the TV show, you'll probably like the movie (so you X-Files fans, just go ahead and chalk my negative review up to my refusal to understand the all-encompassing awesomeness that is THE X-FILES, all right, cause I know that's what you'll do anyway, and don't give me a hard time about "how could you not like this movie?" Wanna know how? Cause I didn't see any Mulder ass, okay?). If you're not a fan, though, this probably won't make you one.
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