Train in Vain

reviewed Fri, 22 Mar 2002

Damn you, Academy voters.  You made me waste my time and money watching the ludicrous, gratuitously violent Training Day just because you smoked a whole lot of crack and nominated Denzel Washington and Ethan Hawke for Oscars.  (I don't want to know what you were smoking that made you nominate Sean Penn for I Am Special... uh, I mean, I Am Sam -- but it's nothing compared to what I would have to be smoking to actually see it.)

Worse than just being overwrought and excessively violent, Training Day is also dull.  I mean, who honestly cares about this ridiculously corrupt, "King Kong ain't got shit on me!" cop and his marshmallow newbie who succumbs to peer pressure faster than a 14-year-old boy?  They're pure movie creations, as is the eventful day of the title, during which Hawke's rookie cop tries to impress Washington enough to join his free-wheeling narcotics team, a fast track to promotion.  In this one day, Hawke meets his mentor, smokes PCP-laced pot, drinks a lot, gets beat up multiple times, saves a girl from being raped, meets the capi di tutti capi of the LAPD, has a gun pointed at his head so often you'd think he had a magnet in his skull, turns down about a quarter of a million dollars in graft, buckles more times than you can count to Washington's bullying (though never without the requisite "that's not right!" whine), has his life spared thanks to absurdly opportune coincidences, and goes full circle from wanting to do anything to get on Washington's team to coldly leaving a wounded, dethroned Washington in the hands of violent gangs because he's too wussy... uh, ethical... to shoot him himself.  He must be all tuckered out!

You can't make Ethan Hawke look like a tough police officer by putting a gun in his hand any more than you can make Denise Richards look like a nuclear scientist by putting a pair of glasses on her.  I'm completely at a loss for how he was nominated for best supporting actor, unless it's the same reason Washington was nominated: because he's playing a role so completely different from his usual fare.  Washington's performance is nothing special, except that he's evil and swears a lot.  Not Oscar-worthy, if you ask me (but no one did ask me, or else Memento and Ghost World would be nominated for Best Picture).

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