The Phantom Pants

reviewed Mon, 31 May 1999 16:00:40 EDT

I actually liked The Phantom Menace more than I thought I would, but then again, I was expecting to hate it. I only went to see it because Star Wars was such an important part of my childhood. It's really not all that bad -- the trick is to have low expectations. The cities created by George Lucas are stunningly beautiful -- unfortunately, he doesn't have the same touch with characters. I just imagined him directing all the actors: "Okay, but take it down a notch. No, less, less. And while you're at it, use some kind of bizarre, incomprehensible accent." The only one with a spark of life in his eyes is Ewan McGregor, though Natalie Portman does a decent job when not coated in Kabuki paint. Not that Lucas's dialogue makes the actors' jobs any easier: it swings between stilted pronouncements and obnoxiously modern locution, much like the "Hercules" TV series. I'll join the chorus of critics recommending that Lucas turn over the writing and directing of the next two movies to someone more talented in those areas.

I imagine most of you have already decided whether or not you're going to see it. If you do, in case you find your interest flagging, here are some games you can play to keep yourself entertained:

1. Play the Star Wars Pants Game, where you replace any given word of dialogue with "pants":
        "I feel a disturbance in my pants."
        "You brought pants to those who had none."
        "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to pants."

2. Think up euphemisms for Ewan McGregor's penis: Obi-Wan's lightsaber, The Force, the Jedi Knight's apprentice... (Variant: Think up cool things that Samuel L. Jackson never gets to say: "I'm gonna get Jedi on your ass." "What the f*ck are YOU? A m****r-f****n' Muppet?!")

3. Play the Jar Jar Must Die Game: Think up gruesome and painful ways for Jar Jar Binks to die.  Trust me, you will want him to. One reviewer said he's more annoying than all the Ewoks rolled into one, and that's putting it mildly. (Bonus: Compile a list of warning signs for the next two movies, e.g., lushly wooded planets presage highly irritating creatures. Women will be strong characters but will wear ludicrous hairstyles.)

4. Find things in the movie that are less wooden than Jake Lloyd (Anakin Skywalker). Examples include the robot warriors, the computer-generated camels, and the walls of the palace.

5. Compile a list of inconsistencies between the good guys and the bad guys. For example, when the good guys lose power, all they have to do is flick a few switches and the power's restored. When the bad guys lose power, their entire gigantic ship blows up. The good guys get knocked around but always get back up again. The bad guys have robot warriors that fly into pieces if you look at them funny. (Variant: tally up the lessons the bad guys never learn, e.g., don't build a gigantic ship that can be destroyed by a lucky shot to a single target.)

6. Figure out which TV shows Lucas was watching when he wrote certain scenes:
        The Senate debate = C-SPAN2
        The pod race = nitro funny cars on TNN

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