The Thomas Cr... uh, oh, wait, Mystery Men

reviewed Sat, 07 Aug 1999 21:15:10 EDT

REGAL CINEMAS SUCKS DONKEY!!!!!!!!!! I just landed a gig reviewing movie theaters for AOL's DC city site, and let me tell you, Regal Cinemas Ballston is gonna come in for a big-time ass-paddling. Stephen and I go to see The Thomas Crown Affair, and there are minor annoyances I won't bother you with, then about 30 minutes into the movie, a fire alarm goes off. So the entire theater -- remarkably calmly, I might add -- files out and half of us mistakenly use THE FIRE EXIT (what were we thinking?!) and end up tramping down some labyrinthine back stairwell, like if there were really a fire we'd have been sooo crispy by that point, and finally emerging onto a construction site and then having to squeeze through a wire fence to go back through the mall to get back to the movie theater where there is a giant mass of people waiting for a refund. So we get our replacement tickets, but Stephen mentions to me that when he was at a movie at this theater a few weeks ago and the projector broke, they gave him not only his money back, but also a free pass. So I told this to the theater manager (with some slight artistic license) and unintentionally (okay, half-intentionally) scammed him out of an extra pair of tickets, so Stephen and I went to see Mystery Men. (There were loads of other annoyances, like the fact that no Regal Cinemas employee appears to understand the concept and purpose of a line, preferring instead the "unruly mob" approach to taking tickets, but you get the idea.)

Fortunately, Mystery Men was really funny, so my crankiness mostly abated... mostly. It's almost too funny, in fact -- it starts off at such a demented, hyperkinetic pace that it can't sustain its own energy all the way through. It hurls jokes at you as frenetically as a monkey on crack for the first hour, but then it starts to drag, like a monkey coming down off a crack high, though it ends with another burst of energy, like a monkey who got some more crack somewhere. Probably from Robert Downey Jr.

Its dream-team cast is super-rific -- Greg Kinnear, Hank Azaria, and William H. Macy were my favorites, but everyone does a good job (though Janeane Garofalo needs more screen time -- she is so awesome). If you've seen any other super-hero movies, from the Batman series to the Superman series, and any of the self-important ones in between, you'll appreciate the jabs this film gets at them, though the ending is a pyrotechnic affair all too evocative of the movies the film had been mocking up to that point. I just wish we could have seen some of the other wanna-be super-heroes mentioned in the film, like Princess Headbutt and "White Flight and Black Menace -- they work together." (Stephen and I determined my superpower would be a really withering glare... well, that and my cleavage, though when you think about it, those powers really act at cross-purposes.)

Anyway, I definitely recommend that you see Mystery Men... just NOT at Regal Cinemas in the Ballston Mall (if you insist on going there, here's a valuable hint: hold onto your ticket stub so you can get your money back when the concession stand soda machine goes haywire and they have to evacuate the theater).

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