The most entertaining part of the movie is when you call to find out the showtimes -- at least, if you call Hoyt's Potomac Yard, (703) 739-4040. In a bizarre accent, the recording announces, with gleeful verve, "Lllloooo-zah!", which amused me and Stephen so much that most of our conversation over the last two days has consisted of yelling, "Llllooooo-ZAH!" at each other (then he yells at me, "Check your fax!", the climactic line from The Perfect Storm). So, as you can see, I am very easily amused, and even so this movie could not wring more than a few laughs from me. Intentionally, at least -- unintentionally, it was a lot funnier. It rivaled What Lies Beneath for sheer stupidity, bad writing, and triteness.
Jason Biggs, best known as American Pie's pastryfucker, plays a dork from unspecified flyover country who comes to The Big City for college and gets stuck with a bunch of big-city dorks who are real assholes to him until he moves out. Then they're all buddy-buddy with him because he now lives in a veterinary clinic (don't even ask) where they can party (I told you, don't ask), and Jason falls for their act because otherwise there wouldn't be a movie. And he's got a thing for pouty Mena Suvari, who's dating their arrogant professor, Greg Kinnear, who's funny in a one-dimensional kind of way. It's sort of like The Apartment meets Animal Planet's Emergency Vets (yes -- Jason evidently absorbs veterinary skills by osmosis and dramatically saves a kitten's life even though his previous animal duties to that point have consisted mainly of forcing medicine down their throats and cleaning up their "poopy paper," as the vet oh-so-scientifically refers to it).
It's just so stupid and dull and illogical -- Jason is the nice guy, all upstanding and moral, except he won't turn in his asshole ex-roommates for cheating, doing drugs, and giving women date-rape drugs (which results in one woman nearly dying -- I mean, hello? You're moral enough not to try to steal a woman your age away from a much older man who's emotionally abusive... yet you turn a blind eye to criminal activity?). And it's painfully unoriginal -- we get not one, but several annoying montage scenes: look, they're trying on a series of funny hats! Mena's going to a bunch of terrible job interviews! Jason tries to find a place to study, with comical results in several different places!
I can't believe I've even expended this much time and mental effort on this movie. But I can't wrap up the review without telling you what was nearly as amusing as "Lllllooooo-zah!" As we were leaving the theater, we heard two guys behind us discussing the movie loudly. One said, "Movies like this or The Wedding Singer always really get to me" (because they suck, Stephen was thinking) "because they remind me that I don't have a girlfriend. I mean, I know I'm a nice guy." Stephen and I contained our laughter till we were out of their earshot. I turned to look at them, expecting maybe some 40-year-old George Costanza type -- the complainer was maybe 17 years old. I felt like saying, "Wait till you're 30 -- then you'll have the right to be bitter." I mean, I feel the same way about these kinds of movies, but somehow, saying it aloud just makes you sound like such a ... loser.
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