Of course, before that line, we had already been treated to a opening crawl that dramatically explained that in 1815, the British soldiers guarding Napoleon on Elba were so paranoid that they shot on sight anyone who set foot on the shore "... no matter how innocent or desperate." (This last line got a screen all to itself.) These words are immediately followed by French sailors Edmond and Mondego setting foot on shore and NOT being shot on sight. Worse, they find themselves at the feet of Napoleon himself, who tells the British soldiers that they needn't shoot the boys on his account, as they have no connection to him... AND THE BRITS BELIEVE HIM. Because, you know, Napoleon had his faults, but the dude didn't lie. (This whole sequence was kind of confusing, because the Frenchmen spoke with British accents and the British spoke with British accents. In fact, the only people in the whole movie who didn't speak with British accents were Caviezel, periodically; some Italian dude, whose exaggerated accent was still more bearable than Tony Shalhoub's; and Luis Guzman, who cheerfully employs his standard Nuyorican accent as anachronistically as Harvey Keitel's Brooklyn Judas in The Last Temptation of Christ. Plus, all the signs in Marseilles are in English, yet when they bring out a birthday cake for one of the French characters, it reads "Bon anniversarie" [sic].)
Then, shortly after that, as Edmond and Mondego are lounging in very period-piece-looking room... the boom mike drops into the frame. When the "missing is over now" line comes a short while later, it's just the cementing factor in designating this a Mystery Science Theater candidate. What really disappointed me about the rest of the movie is that it never quite lived up to the delightful incompetence of the first half hour.
Oh sure, there are inconsistencies and laxities galore -- Edmond gallops in seconds from the semi-arid port of Marseilles to a lush chateau that looks suspiciously un-Mediterranean (actually, it was filmed in Ireland). Although we see the three main characters after 16 years, not one of them has visibly aged (even Edmond, who did 13 years of hard time, although apparently in a prison that gave daily manicures and pedicures), until the last ten minutes, when Pearce suddenly acquires graying hair and cavernous crow's feet. And Cirque du Soleil was evidently founded 200 years ago to staff rich people's balloons (acrobats adorn the ropes of Edmond's balloon as he makes his first grand entrance as the Count of Monte Cristo).
But nothing much is really, horribly incompetent after that. It plods a bit, but that's the most damning comment I can sling. I was almost disappointed to find myself enjoying the climactic sword fight, which is really very cool -- two gorgeous, swashbuckly men crossing swords in a field of tall grass (in a couple scenes, you can see an apparently organic and serendipitous rainbow behind them).
Only Richard Harris really gets into the spirit of ludicrousness. He makes what has to be his most excellent entrance ever, bulging up from under the flagstones of Edmond's cell like one of the giant worms from Tremors, as a prisoner trying to tunnel his way to freedom. He recruits Edmond to help him tunnel in exchange for teaching him about Adam Smith and Machiavelli (though we never see Edmond actually doing any work; he just lounges in the tunnel reading while poor old Harris laboriously chisels away at the stone). Harris' exit is nearly as good as his entrance; hit by debris from a collapsing section of the tunnel, he wheezes to Edmond, "Lung... punctured. ... Not... much... time..." and proceeds to talk for 20 more minutes, conveniently expiring on a philosophical platitude.
Apparently the film doesn't hew much to the book; I say this having read only a synopsis of the book online. Mondego, jealous of Edmond's unexpected promotion and his plans to marry Mercedes, has him falsely imprisoned in the forbidding Chateau d'If prison. There, Edmond meets Harris, who inadvertently helps him escape (though the escape is absurdly ludicrous, and apparently nobody ever bothers to come looking for him) and bequeaths to him a map to a legendary lost treasure. Picking up along the way pirate Jacopo (Guzman), who evidently wandered over from the Bronx borough of 18th-century Italy, Edmond gets the treasure, reinvents himself as the Count of Monte Cristo, and sets out to get revenge on the magistrate who condemned him to prison and Mondego. (They never touch upon where exactly he gets the idea to deep-fry a ham-and-cheese sandwich.)
Guy Pearce evidently took tips on how to act drunk from Foster Brooks, and he couldn't be more transparently evil if he had the word "VILLAIN" stamped on his brow. His acting is so broad, he seems to think he's in a satire or a spoof. (He may have gotten that impression from watching director Kevin Reynolds' preview oeuvre, like Waterworld and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Which makes me think that we should be grateful Reynolds fought with Kevin Costner and is now estranged from him, or else we'd be seeing paunchy Costner swinging a sword like a baseball bat.) Still, he's suave and wealthy and looks incredibly sexy in those tight waistcoats (even a Puffy Shirt looks good on him), and Edmond at the beginning is a full-on dork who's not too bright and stumbles his way gracelessly (and, unintentionally, comically) through a sword fight. I was starting to wonder why Mercedes chose Edmond -- I mean, Mondego was far more desirable. Okay, so he had the minor character flaw of being totally evil. But come on -- nobody's perfect. And just look at those cheekbones!
Caviezel metamorphoses into a pretty decent catch, though, for an ex-con. I was about to say he was one of the few men who look better with facial hair than without, as he sported a goatee to disguise himself impenetrably, à la Clark Kent, as the Count of Monte Cristo. Then, however, he shows up for the climactic fight with Mondego with clean-shaven face (to reveal who he really is by tossing aside the confounding tufts of hair around his mouth) and flowing hair, looking all sexy and vengeful, with his amazing blue eyes, and I changed my mind. Surprisingly, given his previous roles in movies like Frequency, Angel Eyes, and The Thin Red Line, as a dreamy, melancholy romantic, he's far better as the icy, revenge-obsessed Count than as the romantic doofus Edmond or the despairing prisoner Edmond.
(You knew
this was coming...) My ideal Monte Cristo sandwich?
Me, in between Guy Pearce and James Caviezel.
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